Superbowl Edition: Big Ben vs. Big Ben

Published on February 6th, 2011

James discusses quarterback, clocks, and John Krasinski.

Welcome to the Superbowl edition of The Macguffin Men.  While every network and sports blog will be comparing the 2 quarterbacks facing off today, we’d like to do something different here.  While Aaron Rodgers is a very talented player, I don’t find him very interesting.  I’m not sure what it is that I don’t like about him but other than his touchdown celebration of putting on an invisible belt, he’s just not that interesting to me.  He plays like Brett Favre but minus the interceptions (in fact he has the lowest interception percentage in the NFL), so I really should like him, and maybe one day I will, but for now he doesn’t do much for me.  For this reason, instead of Aaron Rodgers, I will compare the man they call Big Ben to the real Big Ben in London, England.  Many people will be quick to point out that ‘Big Ben’ only refers to the bell, not the tower as a whole.  This would be wrong for two reasons.  First, the phrase has been used so many times to refer to the entire structure that is has effectively changed the meaning.  That’s just how language works.  ‘Impossible’ should really be ‘inpossible’ but so many people said and wrote it the other way that the new spelling is now correct and ‘inpossible’ gets a red underline in Microsoft Word.  Second, as far as Roethlisberger is concerned, the ‘Big Ben’ name originally didn’t refer to all of Roethlisberger either.  It was a nickname he originally made for his penis but it caught on so well that people referring to all of Ben Roethlisberger as Big Ben and the nickname stuck (citation needed).

BIG BEN VS BEN ROETHLISBERGER

HEIGHT

Ben Roethlisberger: 6 feet, 5 inches

Big Ben:  315 feet, 11 inches

STYLE

Ben Roethlisberger: Backyard football

Big Ben: Gothic Revival

LOOKS LIKE:

Big Ben: Victoria tower without a clock and with a history of being used for establishing that characters are now in London

Big Ben

Ben Roethlisberger: Jim Halpert as a jock. Or John Krasinski with a beard.  Either way.

Maybe instead of flirting with Pam for 4 seasons, I should just show her my dick...

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I shouldn't be so happy about being compared to a rapist

BEST QUOTE:
Big Ben:  “BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG” (The sound of the bells when the clock strikes the hour)
Ben Roethlisberger:  “All my bitches, take some shots!”  Now I should state this quote is only alleged to have actually been said.  Despite sounding like something from a Rick James skit from Chappelle’s Show it was actually included in the police report of his most recent victim of sexual assault (that we know of).  In fact, if you Google the phrase, the first couple pages of hits are all about Roethlisberger. In her story, it was allegedly said to a group of a girls that he had allegedly been flirting with all night.  He allegedly approached them at the bar, ordered rounds of tequila shots and shouted the witty line with his alleged dick hanging out.  Allegedly…
RESILIENCE
Big Ben: On May 10th, 1941, London was under heavy attack from the German Luftwaffe Air Force.  Some of their bombs struck the tower, damaging the roof, two of the clock face and destroying the House of Commons chamber section of the structure.  The clock continued to keep proper time and the bells kept ringing throughout the Blitz.
Ben Roethlisberger: Roethlisberger has been through various kinds of damage thoughout his career, most of which was avoidable.  On June 12th, 2006, he was in a fairly serious motorcycle accident.  He did not have a helmet or the proper license to be operating a motorcycle.  He hit a Chrysler and went over the handlebars, smashing the car’s windshield with his head.  The accident resulted in several injuries to Ben’s head and face including a broken upper and lower jaw, a broken nose, a fracture to his right sinus cavity, a 9 inch laceration to the back of the head, the chipping of several teeth, the loss of 2 teeth and the breaking of a blood vessel in his mouth which he states would have killed him in a few minutes if paramedics hadn’t arrived when they did. Just this season, Roethlisberger had his nose broken during a game.  While playing the Oakland Raiders, Roethlisberger can be seen speaking with Raider Richard Seymour after a play. After hearing what was likely an insult to his team’s performance and/or his momma, Seymour punched Ben in the nose, breaking it.

Due to his failure to wear a helmet while riding his motorcycle and the sexual assault allegations, Roethlisberger is often under intense media scrutiny but manages to do well.  He missed 4 games this season and was under the microscope more than he’s ever been in his career and still got his team to the biggest game of the year.

ABILITY TO INFLICT MENTAL DAMAGE:

Big Ben:  The man who designed Big Ben was named Augustus Webly Northmore Pugin.  Big Ben was his last design before going insane.

Ben Roethlisberger:  He seems to be driving Terry Bradshaw insane.  In the 70s, Terry Bradshaw won 4 Superbowls for the Pittsburgh Steelers.  He now does commentary for NFL games.  Bradhaw and Roethlisberger had something of a public feud in the last little while.  Bradshaw first insulted Ben’s intelligence for riding his motorcycle without a helmet.  After the allegations of sexual assualt came out, Bradshaw’s opinion of Roethlisberger sunk even lower.  They wouldn’t even shake hands or speak to each other after Bradshaw’s opinion became public.  Bradshaw states this is because he has daughters that are around the age of the Roethlisberger’s alleged victims.  Some people suspect that Bradshaw’s negative feelings towards Ben have more to do with jealousy.  Ben has already won 2 Superbowls, could win his third today and has enough time left in his young career to conceivably win rings 4 & 5, thereby overshadowing Bradshaw’s remarkable achievement.

PLAYING IN THE CLUTCH:

Big Ben:  For 2 years during World War 1, the clock faces were darkened and the bells silenced to avoid attacks by German Zeppelins.  It gets the job done even in times of war.

Ben Roethlisbeger: Roethlisberger is often praised for his ability to play under pressure.  He has been compared to his childhood idol John Elway for this 4th quarter comebacks.  He also does well in the playoffs, including a spectacular finish to win Superbowl XL.  Down by 3 points, Ben took the field with 2:30 on the clock.  9 plays and 88 yards later, he found Santonio Holmes in the endzone with 35 seconds left for what would be the game winner.

BEST PICTURE I COULD FIND:

Big Ben:

"I hope that's the sun and not more flying Nazis..."

Ben Roethlisberger:

His "Rape like a Winner" shirt was in the wash

CAUSE OF LEAN:

Big Ben: Changes in ground condition due to the construction of the Jubilee Line of the London Tube has caused the tower to lean slightly.

Ben Roethlisberger:  He’s wasted.

HOSTED WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW:

Big Ben:  Not yet…

Ben Roethlisberger:  Hell yeah!

Doing the "Suck It" on TV totally doesn't make you look like a rapist

So that’s about it.  Hopefully Aaron Rodgers does something so undeniably cool this Superbowl that I get to like him.  On that note, I’d like to leave you with a quarterback that I already do like in a great picture.  Take notes, Aaron.  This is a real QB.

The goat is a symbol. It stands for Greatest Of All Time.

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