Alex collects a few shorter, unposted things he wrote about Blue Ivy Carter, Tom Cruise, LMFAO, and how to decide if somebody is cool.<\/em><\/p>\n Okay, so I was going to write this thing about how racist the Blind Side is, but then I couldn’t get through it because that movie is awful. But what with The Help getting Oscar nominations today, I’ll probably have to write about the stupid “southern belle saves black people!” thing at some point. Watch your back, Sandy. BUT NOT TODAY. Today you are spared. Here are a few things I wrote that I never posted for various reasons.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When Blue Ivy Carter stormed the charts with her appearance on her father Jay-Z\u2019s decent but forgettable song Glory, she became the youngest person to ever appear on the Billboard charts. This record will almost certainly never be broken, lest Lady Gaga places a microphone right next to her vagina while she gives birth and releases it as a single. But what baby Carter has already attained is a placement in hip-hop that is both unprecedented and probably important. And while I feel a little weird writing about the iconography of somebody who isn\u2019t yet a month old, I\u2019m going to.<\/p>\n Jay-Z has been the figurehead of popular hip-hop for about a decade now, probably since 2001\u2019s The Blueprint, when I.Z.Z.O. seemed to be the only song hip-hop radio would play. There have been others who have been more popular at times (50 Cent, Ja Rule, possibly T.I. briefly, etc.), but the only person who comes close to the same kind of dominance is Kanye West, and he is almost more of a pop star at this point anyway. If Jay-Z put out an album of him farting over Neptunes beats tomorrow, it would be the number one album on the charts. He still has the ability to make colossal (albeit mediocre) hits like Empire State of Mind, and I assume the album he has allegedly been working on recently will have another huge hit on it. But what will make that album interesting is that Jay-Z is now forty-plus, with a wife and kid, and remains the most popular non-Kanye figure in hip-hop.<\/p>\n Hip-hop has never had a star that has been allowed to grow old in the spotlight, and that\u2019s precisely what Jay-Z is doing. (Jay-Z\u2019s brief retirement was partially a reaction to the idea that middle-aged people can\u2019t rap.) He\u2019s been called hip-hop\u2019s Bob Dylan, or perhaps Bruce Springsteen, and now he kind of might be. I assume Jay-Z will continue rapping for decades, and I assume not everything he releases will be good. Perhaps he will fall into the trap many other aging artists do and lose their hunger for their art in exchange for changing diapers, or perhaps he will release an album out of nowhere that makes critics shit their pants despite being mediocre (see: Modern Times). But whatever Jay-Z does next will be truly new: he will be a living legend in a comparatively young genre, and he will be afforded the luxury to rap about aging in a position that people might actually care about. Hip-hop is a genre desperately in need of maturity on a wide scope, and despite her youth, Blue Ivy Carter might be the catalyst behind that actually happening. The music could suck, and Jay-Z will continue to use his tried and true album formula until they stop selling, but on each of those albums will be something new. Not necessarily saccharine tracks like Will Smith\u2019s Just the Two of Us, but a man with his own issues with his father, reflecting on correcting those mistakes himself, in a genre woefully lacking in father figures. Hip-hop will always be materialistic and arrogant, as it is a reflection of the country in which it was created, but it could desperately use an infusion of genuine reflection and emotion. And I hope it allows itself to grow up alongside Blue Ivy Carter.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n So, you\u2019re at a party and you meet somebody who may or may not be cool, and you begin to wonder how you should figure that out. One way might be to just get really drunk and see which version of yourself ends up speaking, but that\u2019s typically a terrible idea. (If anything, you should drink less than normal in these situations.) But, I digress. Here is a simple way to find out if a person is cool before you find out the hard way that their apartment is actually an asylum for 48 feral cats.<\/p>\n 1. Mention The Sandlot.<\/strong> 2. Ask them if they have ever listened to Lou Reed\u2019s Metal Machine Music in its entirety.<\/strong> 3. Ask them what they thought of Michael Crichton\u2019s novel Jurassic Park 3. 4. After a bit of talking, say the most contrarian, ridiculous thing you can think of.<\/strong> I suppose this is a flawed list, in that it is based almost entirely around media. But media is how we get to know people, so it makes sense. You can learn all about somebody\u2019s own daddy issues after finding out what they think about Steven Spielberg\u2019s. If you follow these simple rules you will be able to quickly identify people who are cool, and awful people who have never watched the Great Hambino hit a home run.<\/p>\nThe First Baby of Hip-Hop<\/h1>\n
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A GUIDE TO TELLING IF SOMEBODY IS COOL<\/h1>\n
\nIf I say, \u201cYou\u2019re killing me, Smalls!\u201d and the person I am speaking to gets the reference, I know they\u2019re at least kind of on the same wavelength as me. You can replace The Sandlot with any movie you really liked as a kid; reenacting Henry Roengartner throwing laundry detergent into the machine while pretending to start for the Chicago Cubs is much riskier, but can also provide great results.<\/p>\n
\nThis is the, \u201cOh god, you rescue feral cats on the reg, don\u2019t you?\u201d question. Most likely, this person doesn\u2019t instantly know who Lou Reed is, and might not even know Velvet Underground outside of the Andy Warhol art on the cover of the record they did with Nico. This is fine, and possibly even preferred. However, if the answer to this question is yes, the person you are talking to is either a serial killer or a music critic. Both of these groups of people are extremely dangerous.<\/p>\n
\n<\/strong>This is a trick question: this book doesn\u2019t exist. If they say they haven\u2019t read it, or that it doesn\u2019t exist, that\u2019s great. If they pretend that they\u2019ve read it, it means that this is the kind of person who will lie to seem cool. These people are terrible. Flee the scene immediately.<\/p>\n
\nThings like \u201cAlmost Famous is a shitty movie!\u201d or \u201cPippa Middleton\u2019s ass was underwhelming,\u201d or \u201cU2\u2019s Stuck in a Moment isn\u2019t the worst song ever recorded!\u201d will work. If this person enjoys talking to you, they will forgive you for being ridiculous this one time. If they\u2019re actually interested in your reasoning for making this statement, then you\u2019re well on your way. Now you can actually ask them questions about themselves, and get to know them as a person instead of using media to test their normalcy.<\/p>\n