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Any Given Funday « The MacGuffin Men

Any Given Funday

Published on September 6th, 2011

Alex celebrates the return of the NFL with a live blog of Any Given Sunday.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: football is back! And for those of us that structure our fall and winter Sundays around watching Tom Brady’s hair blow in the wind, or watching Larry Fitzgerald wish he played with a real quarterback, or simply watching Andy Reid make funny faces on the sideline, this is a significant time of our calendar. As some weird tradition that I didn’t actually recognize until recently, I tend to watch Any Given Sunday every year around when the NFL is about to return. And since it’s a truly ridiculous sports movie that I have seen about ten times, I feel I should probably live blog it this time.

I never expect this movie to be taken seriously, mostly because nobody should ever do that with an Oliver Stone film (I’m talking to you, JFK fans). When I first started working at a video store, I tried to rent Any Given Sunday only to find out that somebody else had already rented it. After I got over the initial confusion of another person renting this film, my boss told me the store had a copy I could buy for $10, and my excitement to do so was met with my boss’ look of ‘really?!!?’ Even this woman, a pretty big football fan, couldn’t deal with the idea of somebody actually wanting to purchase this movie. And years later I still can’t, really. I know the movie features a lot of things I love: Al Pacino, football, John C. McGinley’s haircut, and some really impressive cinematography, but it also has a lot of things I really hate. The movie is co-written and directed by Oliver Stone, features Jamie Foxx and Matthew Modine, and has some of the most ludicrously over the top editing you’ll ever see. (This movie makes the editing in Requiem for a Dream seem restrained.) But somehow Any Given Sunday works for me, and has just enough interesting thematic ideas in it to make me want to watch it a bunch of times. It might be good, or it might suck, but it’s always an entertaining thing to have playing on a screen in front of you while you eat chicken wings. Let’s do this.

00:00:07 – Vince Lombardi quote to kick things off in the epigraph! Because, obviously.

00:01:01 – Like I said above, I have a conflicted relationship with this movie; it’s shitty, but it’s so entertaining that it’s tough to deny. That being said, some moments are truly perfect. Like the first real scene of the movie, when quarterback Dennis Quaid gets destroyed by way of multiple linebackers converging on his spine. And then, the Oliver Stone we know and despise shows up, both in the shitty editing that gets us out of the sequence and literally as the Miami Sharks announcer… Who drinks liquor straight from the bottle in between plays. That’s a metaphor for this movie, probably.

00:04:28 – John C. McGinley, y’all! The king of 1990s jackasses is here playing every hilariously over the top sports reporter ever, although mostly just ultra jackass Jim Rome. And yes, somebody really did look at that hair style to the right and say, “Yes! Let us allow a human being to look like this in a major motion picture.”

 

 

 

00:06:05 – Remember that time when Cameron Diaz believably played the owner of a major sports team? Neither do I.

00:07:50 – Jamie Foxx, playing third string quarterback Willie Beamen, has checked into the game, and promptly throws up on the field due to nervousness. I used to think this was ridiculous, but then Donavan McNabb actually (allegedly) did this just before attempting to lead the Philadelphia Eagles on a comeback drive against the New England Patriots in Superbowl XXXIX. (The Eagles notoriously managed their time horribly in the fourth quarter and lost the game.)

00:08:56 – Beamen gets dropped with a late hit by one of those linebackers that destroyed Cap’s spine, and then says, “You better get used to that, mother fucker. I’m going to be picking peanuts out of your ass!” In no context does that make sense, not even in the realm of nonsensical trash talk.

00:10:05 – All Sport sighting! It’s the drink of the future!

00:18:22 – I always think that the blonde assistant coach in this movie is played by former New Orleans Saints head coach/current Washington Redskins defensive coordinator Jim Haslett, but that is incorrect. There are a number of former and current players in the movie though, including Jim Brown, Terrell Owens, Dick Butkus, Lawrence Taylor, Johnny Unitas, Warren Moon, and probably more. Office Linebacker Terry Tate is also in this movie, if that counts.

It appears Richard forgot to put a title page on his TPS report again.

00:24:01 – I hate the “There are no atheists in foxholes” speech the priest gives, and it’s something I hate about the way people in football discuss their sport. Football isn’t a war, as nobody ever pulls out a gun and shoots an opposing player… with the exception of the opening scene of The Last Boy Scout, I guess. 

00:25:45 – Dennis Quaid, playing longtime starting quarterback who everybody loves Cap Rooney (think a pre-first-retirement Brett Favre), gives a hilariously over the top performance in this movie. I never know what to think of Quaid, but he’s always entertaining. His screaming freakout from a hospital bed in this movie is must-see acting.

As shitty as Any Given Sunday is, I’m thinking this movie is probably underrated, not to mention ahead of its time. The over-the-top aspects of it all actually turned out to be quite prescient, particularly with how the sports media is depicted here. Every aspect of the team is examined with a good amount of detail throughout the movie, and the criticism from the media never stops. Every decision is endlessly picked apart by talking heads – primarily John C. McGinley, who is the media stand-in throughout – and fans are also constantly questioning the players and coaches’ decisions. So it’s kind of exactly like what football teams have to deal with these days.

00:27:29 – Elizabeth Berkley (aka Jessie Spano) is in this movie, playing a high-class prostitute whose company Coach Tony D’Amato (aka Al Pacino) enjoys. Since there seems to be a clause in every post-Saved by the Bell contract declaring that Berkley be topless in all roles, we will be seeing her boobs later.

00:29:02 – The guitar theme in this movie is lovely, even if it is written and performed by the reason I can’t watch The Last Waltz without being furious, Robbie Robertson.

00:30:14 – The shot of Coach D’Amato watching his team practice from an elevated, all glass office is very ‘Fredo is about to get got.’ I assume this was intentional, but I know it was unnecessary.

00:31:29 – The editing in this movie rarely makes sense. In a mid-day business meeting, we suddenly get a cut to a sunset, and then to a person throwing a football, and then to a lone silhouette sitting in darkened bleachers. And then back to the business meeting. Oliver Stone was arrested on alcohol and drug charges in 1999, and then forced to enter a rehab centre. This makes perfect sense to me; I have always imagined that this movie was edited next to a Scarface-sized mound of blow.

Pictured: Oliver Stone's editing bay.

00:34:33 – The business aspects of football in this movie are also accurate; primarily Diaz’s insistence on trading Cap and linebacker Shark while they can still get draft picks for them. But she also brings in offensive coordinator Aaron Eckhart as the guy who is next in line for when D’Amato finally does poorly enough to get fired. This happens constantly in the NFL. I’m looking at you, Jason Garrett, you smug asshole. That being said, Wade Phillips seemed like a terrible coach. Although he made some spectacular facial expressions.

00:37:09 – The guy who plays backup QB Tyler Cherubini is perfect. His jaw is perfectly squared, he never looks like he knows what is happening around him, and he has a perfect tan. He might as well be Jesse Palmer.

00:40:32 – They reused the shot of Beamen vomiting, just from a different angle. Reusing shots happened far more often than makes sense in the 1990s, including multiple times in Enemy of the State alone.

00:42:14 – I’m pretty sure the soundtrack to this movie exclusively contains songs I put on a mix CD in Grade 8. DMX, Moby, Trick Daddy, Fatboy Slim, etc.

00:44:26 – JAMIE FOXX FLIP! FOR A TOUCHDOWN!

00:48:17 – It’s not hard to tell why the NFL didn’t give Stone the rights to NFL teams and logos to be used; running back LL Cool J is currently snorting coke off of somebody’s breast while a receiver gets a blow job next to him.

00:59:16 – Every time I watch this movie, I always get to a point where I wish I was drunk… normally when I remember this movie is 153 minutes long. This would happen even when I watched this movie before I ever had a drink. And in case you haven’t picked it up yet, I wish I was drunk.

01:01:40 – If that tattoo on Jamie Foxx’s lower back is real, it’s ridiculous. There are two guns, tucked into the back of his pants, with text that says, “COCKED.” Judging by Foxx’s head and back tattoo pictures I have found, I assume it is real.

01:04:31 – As Beamen is walking by him in the locker room, Cap (unprovoked) says, “See the thing about a team, hot shot, is you keep trying to lead them, but is anybody going to follow ya? You know, you go out there alone, you gon’ die a very lonely death… you feelin’ me?” And he’s speaking with some weird accent. It’s odd. But hilarious.

01:09:02 – Willie Beamen is a good precursor to Michael Vick: he runs when coaches want him to throw, people are trying to get him to change his style, and he has tons of sponsorships seemingly overnight. I think they saved the dogfighting for the sequel.

01:12:44 – Al Pacino is having a tickle fight with Jessie Spano. That is something I never expected to see.

TICKLE FIGHT!

01:17:19 – When Beamen goes over to Coach D’Amato’s house for jambalaya, it is possibly the most ridiculous scene in the movie. We get mid-conversation cutaways to old football footage, the Miami skyline, sped-up modern football footage, clouds, scenes from Spartacus (seriously!), and Beamen is wearing a bright yellow, skintight Under Armor-esque shirt. Oh, and copious thunder sound effects for no reason. The worst part is that their conversation is actually pretty interesting, and would have worked just fine without Stone coking everything up.

Another legitimately interesting thing in this movie is the way coaches and medical staff betray the players. Beamen talks about how when he first came into the league, a coach made him play cornerback, despite his small stature, which in turn lead to Beamen separating his shoulder. This, in turn, has had long lasting effects on the effectiveness of his throwing arm once he was able to go back to playing QB. Also, in the opening scene when Cap gets demolished, head trainer James Woods talks Cap into walking off the field, despite Cap having a serious, career-threatening injury.

01:24:55 – Beamen was talking shit about Shark at a party, so naturally Shark is now standing on top of Beamen’s Hummer and cutting it in half with a buzzsaw. This is a lesson in being a team, I think. Coach Taylor did the same thing once, probably.

01:30:28 – Assistant trainer Matthew Modine has looked into Shark’s neck injury, and has discovered that Shark broke his neck and it was not properly diagnosed, leading to it never healing correctly. Should he continue to play, he is told that one big hit could either paralyze or kill him. When Shark is confronted about this, he still wants to play, which Coach D’Amato says he can do if Shark will sign a waiver. Coach is not immune to being immoral, it seems.

01:34:07 – Medical assistant Matthew Modine is standing up to the team’s lead trainer, James Woods! Standing up for what’s right! (Honestly, their conversation is a kind of interesting argument about the ethics of when it’s okay to let an injured player play.)

01:39:02 – The medical stuff continues, and Coach D’Amato continues to make ethically questionable decisions, seemingly in the hopes of saving his job. This time he talks Cap into playing in the playoff game, despite Cap being convinced that he is not healthy enough to do so.

01:39:45 – “And I’ve got this… RUPTURED DISC!” #Quaid4Prez

01:41:10 – Lauren Holly plays a terrible woman really well. Her yelling at her husband Cap for wanting to retire is great. And she’s about to slap him!

01:41:46 – There it is! #LaurenHolly4FirstLady

01:44:40 – “This kid might sell a lot of t-shirts, but he is TEARIN’ THIS TEAM APAAAHHHT!!!” 90s Pacino sure can chew some scenery.

01:50:44 – …And then Charlton Heston showed up. No really, he just walked into frame. He’s playing the league commissioner, apparently.

01:51:27 – Shark is trying to talk Modine into giving him a cortisone shot! NOOOO!!!! Keep being the White Knight of your team’s medical staff! DON’T BE JAMES WOODS!

01:52:02 – I know I made fun of Pacino 8 minutes ago, but he is actually pretty good in this movie, and he plays a good coach. At no point is that statement more obviously true than in the speech he is currently giving, the ‘Inches’ speech. He’s doing his Pacino ‘slow build to yelling’ thing, but it’s effective. After all, he’s giving a motivational speech. And while I love Coach Taylor’s whisper speeches, sometimes I just want Pacino to yell, “It’s the six inches, INFRONTAYAFACE!” at me. Thanks, Al. That being said, your sideburns are ludicrous.

01:59:35 – Terrell Owens just caught a touchdown pass. I realize he’s an asshole, but doesn’t he still have something left in the tank? Is there really nobody who is going to sign him this year? He played well last year, didn’t he?

02:03:19 – Cap is running for a touchdown! THINK OF YOUR RUPTURED DISC!!!!!

02:03:25 – DENNIS QUAID FLIP! FOR A TOUCHDOWN! And then he’s having some serious injury issues. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure Cap just had, like, four concussions.

02:06:19 – Beamen has checked in. Pacino is quietly great in the scene where D’Amato is explaining what he wants Beamen to do; Pacino gets his character’s nervousness across subtly in a time when Pacino did very few things subtly.

02:07:47 – One of the opposing players just got hit so hard that their EYEBALL CAME OUT OF ITS SOCKET. Seriously, Ollie, are you even trying to have this movie taken seriously?

02:12:22 – Shark stops a pivotal 4th  down run play, but seems to suffer the injury everybody feared he would before the game. Is he going to be okay? How will his future turn out? All that matters, apparently, is that he got his bonus because of that tackle. This kind of goes against the health-related stuff in this movie that is actually good, and it undermines the only legitimately good element of the movie. Although it might actually make the movie more truthful, because that’s probably how these things go.

02:15:15 – Beamen pulls another McNabb as he begins to lead the Sharks down the field, with 55 seconds left to take the lead. At least they shot new vomit footage this time. How kind!

02:17:25 – And in true Oliver Stone fashion, he’s making a ridiculous decision. Instead of showing all of the drive, we are being shown a stupid scene with Diaz and her mother, while there is a timer in the bottom right corner indicating the time ticking away as the game plays on. SERIOUSLY.

02:21:57 – The low angle shot of the Sharks walking from the huddle to the line of scrimmage is really, really incredible. I love it.

02:22:35 – Beamen has one play to win the game! What’s going to happen?!!? My prediction: some ridiculous editing.

02:23:02 – And we get a freeze frame of Beamen’s face, a cutaway to some lightning storm footage, and then we go back to see Beamen charge the goal line. TOUCHDOWN! SHARKS WIN! I DON’T REALLY CARE BECAUSE THIS MOVIE IS TOO RIDICULOUS TO MAKE ME FEEL ANY EMOTION!

02:25:40 – Jamie Foxx is 5’6” on a good day. This means he wouldn’t be able to see over his offensive line, meaning he wouldn’t be a very good QB. Oh, and he would probably explode the first time he got sacked. It’s no surprise that the switch to cornerback early in his career lead to an injury.

02:28:15 – One last little Stoneian touch: we get the ‘Directed by Oliver Stone’ credit… and then we go to a press conference scene. Plus the credits are in black text but have some sort of green glow around them. It reminds me of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. That’s probably not a good thing.

02:31:55 – The movie ends with Al Pacino walking out of the press conference by himself, smoking a cigar, while everybody watches his exit. In short, Any Given Sunday ends just how every movie should end.

I kind of hate this movie, but it’s too entertaining to really look away. Even the things that the movie does well, like the focus on the aspects of players’ physical health, are really just there for show. Not unlike the NFL’s contradictory crackdown on concussions while proposing the idea of a longer season, Any Given Sunday pretends to care about football players, but then just accepts that nothing can possibly change and puts them in danger again. The movie is overly violent, overly stylized, and overly fun to watch. I can’t tear myself away from it. But even with all of the problems I have with the movie, I will continue to watch it because it entertains me. And despite feeling the same way about football itself, on any given Sunday, you know you’ll find me in front of a TV watching the NFL.

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